Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
