is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
