There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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