end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
