Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
