He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
