Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
