Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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