I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
