I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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