my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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