i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
