Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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