so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
