The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just found puke in my bra..
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
