I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
