You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
