My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
