I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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