mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
