ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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