last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
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Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
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