God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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