Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
