We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
