why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
