hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
