New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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