I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
