We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I want her autograph on my taint
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
