saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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