I met the friendliest cop last night
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
