Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
