I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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