Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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