i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
