I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
