Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
