You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
