I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
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maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
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It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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