When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
