Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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