It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
