i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
