I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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