Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
