Texts From Last Night

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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.

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  (604): i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later. http://tfl.nu/i15d
  Replies (41) Good night (905) Bad night (7005)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.

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  (414): filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach. http://tfl.nu/edt0
  Replies (16) Good night (869) Bad night (3961)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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  (425): It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down. http://tfl.nu/xg1z
  Replies (7) Good night (5758) Bad night (1863)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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  (727): Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore" http://tfl.nu/cs3y
  Replies (16) Good night (4995) Bad night (1042)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog

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  (908): you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog http://tfl.nu/njtd
  Replies (6) Good night (1293) Bad night (3024)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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  (717): What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese. http://tfl.nu/9uuf
  Replies (10) Good night (5024) Bad night (875)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.

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  (330): He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville. http://tfl.nu/qtz6
  Replies (7) Good night (1020) Bad night (1835)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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  (701): He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success. http://tfl.nu/xbmk
  Replies (12) Good night (4556) Bad night (695)
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!

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  (504): As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!! http://tfl.nu/d5pb
  Replies (18) Good night (3192) Bad night (698)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"

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  (608): I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!" http://tfl.nu/mxo7
  Replies (9) Good night (1168) Bad night (480)
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  (254): View more from Texas

  STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST

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  (254): STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST http://tfl.nu/fj6v
  Replies (6) Good night (493) Bad night (876)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.

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  (413): I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket. http://tfl.nu/1du9
  Replies (0) Good night (429) Bad night (292)
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.

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  (+64): Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed. http://tfl.nu/dscf
  Replies (0) Good night (580) Bad night (264)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.

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  (850): Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts. http://tfl.nu/2gw3
  Replies (1) Good night (318) Bad night (409)
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.

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  (267): I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs. http://tfl.nu/gl01
  Replies (1) Good night (277) Bad night (461)

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