I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
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I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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