I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.