genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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