"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
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Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
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Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight