Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
