The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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