at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
