why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
