I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
