so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
