i was born a porn star she said
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
