I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
