At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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