Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
